Paragraphs for Evaluation I

Paragraph 1:

This sample is poor writing because it lacks direction. Each sentence makes a new assertion which relates to the topic, but there are no demonstrations or explanations of any of the content. The thesis could be "the present day revolution in education has been a long time on its way", but the actual history and circumstances influencing education are never discussed, and neither is the "revolution" itself; what the thesis actually is is very unclear. As a stand-alone piece of writing, it is uninformative because it only refers to ideas and events abstractly without specific examples. This shows a poor sense of audience. On the whole, the paragraph is unspecific and fails to advance understanding.

Paragraph 2:

This sample has strong content, made useless by a weak thesis and awkward style. The central claim is clear and obvious in the first sentence: "weather has its effect on how most people feel". Unfortunately, this is about as much a truism as "light has its effect on how most people see". On the other hand, the thesis is well-supported with many varied (as much as is possible given the topic) and effective examples, from sun to rain to snow. The effectiveness of these examples is impeded by the sentences "not only does nearly everyone talk about the weather..." and "a continued period of rainy weather..."; they are entirely unnecessary as they restate the content of adjacent sentences almost exactly. The writer's purpose is further obscured by uninteresting vocabulary ("a nice bright, sunny day... [makes people feel]... cheery and bright") and unnecessary words ("Myself, nothing makes me..."). Overall, this piece is unoriginal and uninteresting.